Ah, another fine installment of “Family Business” Mondays, er, Wednesdays. You know what I mean. So without further delay…

Adam has gathered an ensemble to film yet another scene at the Casa, including a few new people, but Hershel Savage makes yet another appearance, sitting relaxed on the couch.

Interview Adam: “Yeah, sex is supposed to be relaxing. Unless, of course, it’s your job.”

Adam tells the cast that there is no script. The concept is “A Lazy Day at Seymore’s.” I think the concept is a lazy day procrastinating script writing. Adam is walking around the house filming people getting it on in various rooms of the house. Gosh, I hope Brady’s room is off limits. That would be awkward.

Of course, Adam is sporting a sleeveless gray muscle shirt with orange running shoes. Perhaps the shirt is blue. Perhaps the color correctors at Showtime have their heads in their asses.

Interview Adam: “You know sometimes I can’t even figure out when I’m Seymore and when I’m Adam.” Hmm. Split personality? I make a mental note to send Adam a copy of the MTV True Life: “I’m in Therapy,” featuring Bailey the stripper.

Adam’s in the kitchen amongst the cheapo snacks talking to Bishop. “So that’s three scenes down and one more to go.”

Interview Mom narrates, “Adam is a perfectionist.” as he instructs an actress in the proper technique to self-administer a home enema leading into a quick montage of Adam getting stressed while filming. Remember this one kiddies, because it’ll be crammed down our throats for the entire episode. So understand now: Adam is stressed.

Warehouse. Cousin Stevie peruses the inventory as we listen to Mom’s voice mail. “Hi, Lila. This is James from Australia calling. I’ve got a little problem here.”

Mom finds Stevie lurking by the Squirters boxes. She tells him they received a call from James and apparently, he has Assgasms 2, in boxes for Assgasms 1. Tragedy!

Interview Cousin Stevie: “Foreign distributors, you got to be very careful about them. You gotta pretend that they’re the most important things to you.”

Stevie’s saying that James is a pain in the ass and that all he talks about is his three cats. (Important for later!) Stevie tells Lila to tell James to put a sticker over the box. They decide that James will print the labels and they will pay the printing costs.

Interview Cousin Stevie: “You know, you can only hear about other people bitching about their problems so much. I got problems. The business has problems. My sister has problems. The world has problems. Who wants to hear about that shit all the time?” Amen, brother.

Filming at the Casa. Adam’s decided to get creative all of a sudden and try to synch up one scene to another by exiting on one cumshot and walking across the house to another couple in another room all in one single shot. Apparently, the fans believe it more if there are fewer edits.

Interview Adam expounds, “Video viewers are more savvy these days. To me, everything flows better with less edits.”

I think Adam is delusional. I think the fans are too busy wearing out their fast-forward buttons to count the number of edits in a scene.

Adam tells Bishop to pick up ten douches so they have extra, and once again, my beverage is introduced to my television. Damn, I just cleaned it off from last time!

Back at the warehouse, Stevie is holding the Assgasms box. Unfortunately, it’s four weeks until the new boxes are ready because it is a short printing run. He and Mom exposit that it’s their first deal with James and they conspire not to tell Adam about the problem because he’s been “so stressed lately.”

Casa. Bishop returns with the douches and we’re treated to a very long montage of his cell phone ringing. We get it. It’s stressing Adam even more! “Bishop speaking.” He tries to bury it in the sofa. He tries to leave it open. Jesus, you mental midget, just turn the fucker off.

Interview Adam: “If I had my way, you would see Bishop’s cell phone pictured on the back of a milk carton.” Ha!

Adam’s filming is interrupted by a phone call from Brady’s school. He’s slipped in a puddle of mud and Adam needs to bring him a complete change of clothing. He tells Bishop to continue filming as he slips out the door looking awfully stressed.

Back at the ranch, Mom and Stevie are killing time in the lunchroom. It’s not lunchtime, because they are the only people in the rather large-ish room. Mom: “I wish he would get a hobby. Like maybe play golf.” Stevie: “Well sex is always a great hobby but he gets enough of it.” Stevie agrees to take Adam out to try to get him to admit what has him so stressed.

Adam returns to the Casa carrying Brady’s muddy clothes. He flips a pretend switch on his chest to get back into “Seymore mode.”

He’s trying to direct some actors mid-scene when they are interrupted by the noisy gardeners weed whacking outside. No euphemism here folks, they are doing lawn work. And Adam’s stressed that they’re behind schedule.

Hershel tells Adam not to worry, because he’ll be able to “come in about three seconds anyway.” Hee!

Interview Adam tells us that Hershel is his “go-to guy.”

Interview Hershel gives us his thirty-second life story. “I took ten years off. I started in ’76. Then I had a mid-life crisis, so instead of buying a Corvette, I decided to become a porn star again.”

Interview Adam: “I mean, any guy that can come six times within a half hour span has got my respect.”

Night. Cousin Stevie has brought Adam to his weekly poker game. Stevie thinks it would be good for Adam to get away from work for a little bit, but Adam is reluctant to make any kind of long-term commitment. Because he’s stressed, you see.

Interview Cousin Stevie: “Luckily, there happens to be an open seat at our game. A fairly young guy slipped, hit his head on the side of the pool and drowned.” Yes, how lucky. Stevie gives a “these things happen” face.

Adam is introduced around the table. Adam is finally wearing a shirt with sleeves (albeit a long sleeve shirt) but it looks like Jackson Pollack threw up on it. They play poker and act like guys. Stevie asks Adam how the shoot went, and Adam fills in the poker group that he is “Seymore Butts.” He describes the scene they shot that afternoon the revolved around a backgammon game.

Cut to Casa where the scene unfolds before our very eyes. A man and a woman bet on a backgammon game. He bets money. She ups the ante to sex. The guy loses and they get it on.

Poker. Sparrow, one of Stevie’s buddy’s, is eating pizza and rests his slice on the table. After he’s eaten the slice, he moves on to a candy apple. Adam can’t believe how much of a slob this guy is.

Interview Cousin Stevie: “Adam is a neatness person, especially when he eats and seeing his face next to Sparrow’s…” He breaks down laughing.

Sparrow moves on to spaghetti and some rogue strands fall from his mouth into the chip tray. There is sauce all over his chips. The guys tell Adam that he should put Sparrow in his next movie.

Adam wins a few hands. They tell him, “Well, you’re doing better then Lenny.” To which Adam retorts, “Yeah. I’m breathing.” Rim shot, maestro.

Cousin Stevie accuses one of the guys of cheating and they find the Ace of Diamonds hidden by Stevie. Sparrow’s candy apple falls on the table. Poor editing, or has Sparrow gone for seconds?

Stevie and Adam leave the game after they finish, and politely refuses to shake Sparrow’s hand. Says he had an “interesting time.” When Cousin Stevie asks Adam what he thought of Sparrow, Stevie jokes, “Imagine him eating pussy.”

Mom is working out with a physical trainer who is also a friend of Adam’s. We never learn his name, so I’m calling him Spandex Sam. Mom says that she always takes time for herself and asks Spandex Sam to help Adam out. Still stressed?

Interview Adam: “Hey, I’m a single father. I run a business. I get fucking tired sometimes.” Defensive much?

Mom gets another voice mail from Aussie James. He’s coming to town and wants to get together.

Adam plays racquetball with Spandex Sam and loses. “This was exactly what I needed.” So he’s no longer stressed? Thank God!

Mom meets Aussie James in the lobby of their offices. Interview Mom narrates that she’s not good at confrontation. James wants to address their problems with Adam and Stevie. James seems to be a bit of a poofdah, or at least a bit milquetoast.

Interview Cousin Stevie: “You know, if I had my way, I wouldn’t give any of these foreign distributors our address. They think they can just come into town without an appointment.”

Mom phones Stevie at his desk with James lurking six feet away. Stevie tells Lila to tell James that he’s not there. He hangs up the phone and literally runs away, out of his office, through the warehouse, and out the back door. Heh heh. Back door.

Mom tells Aussie James that Adam’s out and Stevie’s not available. She asks James out for a drink later. “That’d be grand.” Indeed.

Interview Mom: “Most of these distributors, if you wine them and dine them do a bit of sweet talking…” Cousin Stevie drives by the front door and flashes the bird. “In most instances, they forget about the big problems.”

Adam gets a voice mail message from Hershel. Okay, remember a few episodes ago I made a joke about Hershel performing standup while performing anal? Well apparently, I’m clairvoyant because Hershel has a standup gig in Studio City and he wants Adam to come.

Interview Stevie: “You know if Hershel could tell a joke like he shtupps, he’ll be headlining Vegas in nothing flat.” Bwah!

Magically, it’s Friday night, and Adam and Stevie go to Jennifer’s Coffee in Studio City. Naturally, they are curious why Herhsel is performing standup at a coffee house and not a comedy club. Whoa, slow down. One step at a time, guys.

They take a table up front as Interview Stevie narrates that cheering Adam up is his way of repaying Lila for having to take out Aussie James.

Stanley’s Bar. Mom and James sit down at the bar and order some drinks. They chit chat. James asks if Adam has ever used cats in his films. Mom wonders, “Animal cats? No.” Apparently, Stevie was misinformed as to the number of James’ cats. He has 20 or 30 of them. Holy Christ. 30 friggin cats? No wonder this dude is single. Mom hates cats.

Hershel and his hot, young, Hungarian, porn star wife arrive at the coffee shop and they thank Adam and Cousin Stevie for coming. Hershel is still wearing those stupid glasses that make him look like Mr. Magoo. Dude, frames have improved since 1976. Hershel goes off to study his material.

Stanley’s. James laments that he doesn’t have a girlfriend. Gee, I wonder why?

Jennifer’s Coffee. The Emcee delivers the tired old line, “Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for comedy?” Uh oh.

Hershel gets on stage and says he is a porno star.

“It’s really hard to grown up in a Jewish family because you’re expected to become a doctor or a lawyer. A pillar of the community. I cam close. I’m a pillar.”

Polite laughter from the audience. If I were editing this thing, I would have chosen crickets.

Stanley’s. Aussie James tells us that his cat, Fluffer, likes to play with his balls and Mom excuses herself to the bathroom. Run, Lila. Run! While she’s gone, James orders two shots of vodka and downs them both.

“You know I never wanted to obsess about making money or attending the finest schools so I took some advice my father gave me. ‘Shmuck,’ he said. ‘Find out what it is that you love to do, and find a way to get paid for it.’”

Montage of Hershel screwing multiple women.

“And it’s really hard to make your mother proud when you’re making porno films. Most moms display their child’s achievements on the back of their cars. ‘My son is an honor student at Rangefield Academy.’ What kind of bumper sticker could my mom use? ‘My son can come on cue?”

Polite laughter. Groan.

James: “I’ve even got a poster above my bed of Paul Hogan holding two cats on his shoulders.” Shudder. Lila: “Can we get the check please?”

“It’s really annoying when guys are asking you to get them a job. ‘Hey, Hersh. Can you hook me up? I’m nine inches long and I can come six times in an hour.’ Do you mind? We’re at a funeral!”

Back to Stanley’s where Mom is pouring over the check and wondering aloud why they were charged for two shots of vodka. James tries to plead ignorance, but then confesses to ordering them. “I think so, yeah.”

Interview Cousin Stevie: “You know what they say: you punch an Australian in the face and he’ll know why.” Who says that? What does that even mean?

Back to the coffee house where Hershel is performing more standup comedy that is too unfunny to recap.

“Actually, I’m a great father. I love my son. I remember when he first asked me about the birds and the bees. I slipped in a tape.” See.

Finally, Hershel is finished.

Interview Adam who finally wraps up this episode: “You know everyone thinks I need a hobby, or something to take my mind off work, but the reality is, I’ve got one.”

Adam is playing a board game with Brady, and it looks like Brady’s kicking serious ass.

“Steve asked me if I wanted to join that poker game on a regular basis and I told him, ‘I’ve got a regular game.’”

And we fade to black on a victorious Brady.

Next time: Adam is offered $5,000 to shoot an amateur video for a couple. They shoot the scene in the barn. Hijinks ensue. Tune in.

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