Lionel Ritchie is officially dead to me. How he could agree to reinvent “Brickhouse” with Rob Zombie and rapper, Trina, is beyond me. I don’t care if Lionel needed bail money; there is absolutely no reason for rap to appear alongside the Commodores. A pox on your house, Lionel Ritchie. If you doubt me, go listen to “Brickhouse 2003” appearing in Rob Zombie’s new film, “House of 1000 Corpses.” Bring earplugs to stop the bleeding.

In other news, it’s “Family Business” Monday!

We open with Interview Adam aggrandizing, “Being Seymore Butts is more than just making movies. It’s about promoting the name. There’s more than 15,000 movies made each year, so it’s really important that I keep the name out in the public eye.”

Interview Mom complains that Adam and Stevie keep her in the dark regarding their schemes as we cut to the conference room where Adam asks Stevie if “everything’s set up for tonight.” I wonder if they are going to steal a goat?

Interview Stevie says that a couple contacted them wanting Adam to film them having sex. Stevie interviewed them over the phone, and since they have the requisite $5,000, it looks like a good opportunity to make some money.

Mom and Cousin Stevie are talking alone in another room in the offices. Mom knows the basic details of the job. Stevie fills her in that the couple has shot several home movies themselves and now, they are looking for something more professional. Apparently, they have no desire to become professional porn actors; they just want a professionally made sex tape. Stevie adds, “It’s for themselves and their friends.” Their friends? Mom and Stevie agree with me. Stevie shrugs, “I mean, I don’t understand it, although I wouldn’t mind having movies of me fucking when I was 25.”

Mom narrates, “Nobody wants to see that.” Hee!

Conference Room. The couple meets Stevie for a sit down regarding the shoot. She is a tall redhead with a “rockin’ body” (where’s Joe Millionaire when you need him) and her husband is Hispanic, with an average body. He is semi-thin, with no defined musculature, and average looks and I’m wondering how he scored her. It’s not because of package size, I can tell you that, so I’m guessing he’s a millionaire. I’ll call her Big Red, and him, Don Juan, because I am blessed with the power to do so, and because we never learn their names, unfortunately.

Big Red repeats that they’re looking for something a little more professional because obviously Don Juan loses his concentration when she’s hoovering his Johnson and can’t keep the damn camera straight. Don Juan adds, “It’s hard getting the camera… and then you move…” Don Juan makes no sense verbally, but he’s pantomiming a shaky-cam so we get the idea. So I guess we can rule out millionaire. Perhaps he was born into money?

Stevie understands though. “It’s difficult to get under-the-pussy shots while you’re screwing.” I’d say it’s damn near impossible. “When it’s done, you’re going to have your own fuck movie. You’ll give it to your granddaughter.” Big Red: “Cool.”

I can just see thirty years in the future when the offspring of the offspring of Big Red and Don Juan opens her rectangular gift on Christmas morning to find a vhs copy of gramps getting a hummer from grandma. Tis truly the season of giving.

Adam exposits that making a personal video is a much more rare occurrence than attending a charity event or hosting a contest.

And, we cut to Deja Vu Totally Nude Showgirls where they are hosting the 2002 Regional Pole Antics. Adam narrates, “I do a lot of these appearances because they’re fun and because it gives me an opportunity to spot new talent.” Adam chats up one of the contestants. Shots of various women donning exotic costumes. It’s interesting to note that one woman has stars tattooed around her waist that look like a belt.

Montage of the women performing amazing, death-defying, gravity-thwarting stunts on a pole. How these women have the upper body strength to hold themselves perpendicular to the pole with locked arms and then straddle the pole while rocketing down in a free-fall only to stop inches from the floor is beyond me. This truly is a talent.

Anyway, one contestant wins. Yay! Whatever.

Interview Adam adds that while he likes hosting competitions, what he really enjoys is teaching people how to have better sex.

And we’re at some hotel where the Learning Annex is hosting a sex seminar called “Toy-gasms.” The female instructor is putting a micro butterfly (tiny vibrating butterfly attached to panty straps) over a woman’s jeans. It goes on and the look on her face is priceless. The thing is loud as hell, and she seems to dig it.

The instructor introduces Adam as Seymore Butts, who is wearing white khakis and a sweater with an American Flag on it. Porny Hilfigger?

Adam’s going to concentrate on the G-spot and female ejaculation. He demonstrates where the G-spot and says that two fingers are all you need. “So if Myrna were laying down on her back,” he says, Myrna (yay!) lying on her back, her legs spread in the air. Female Student #1 interrupts to make sure her husband sees this. The class laughs and Adam beckons them closer. Adam demonstrates his “come hither” motion on Myrna, above the clothing, of course, as well as some other techniques to increase pressure on the G-spot.

Male Student #1 raises his hand to announce his concern that if the G-spot is hot properly, he will be “squirted on.” It’s not acid, dude. Adam tells him that he really won’t notice during sex, but the sheets will be soaked to the mattress.

Male Student #2, husband of Female Student #1, raises his hand. “Can I ask you a question about anal? Some people don’t want to try it.” He points to his wife behind her back. Well I would think that the best way not to get anal is to embarrass her during a sex workshop. Adam tells him that she has to associate pleasure with anal and instructs him to use a well-lubed finger just before orgasm.

Cut to conference room where Stevie is back with the couple. Or still with the couple. I don’t know. They never show any clocks on this show. “So I’ll see you at your house,” Stevie says. Don Juan says they can’t shoot at their house. Why? How did you make your previous tapes? Stevie tells DJ, “Don’t worry about it. We use locations all the time.”

Stevie tells Mom that they will be shooting at his house and Mom smiles, “Yeah, why don’t you call Amy and tell her?” Cousin Stevie’s married? He calls Amy and she’s obviously pissed that A) he didn’t ask her before agreeing to use their house, and B) that there will be sever people fucking in her living room. So she puts her foot down, and they won’t be shooting at Stevie’s house. She sounds young and hot. They argue a bit and Stevie hangs up on her. Great move.

Stevie runs to Bishop and Bishop refuses to have people shoot at his house. He asks why not use Adam’s house, and Stevie fills us in that Adam refuses to have strangers at his house. Bishop says that he will find a location. Stevie adds, “I don’t care. As long as it’s inside and warm, it’s fine.” Drums of impending doom play in my living room.

Interview Adam: “When it comes to reaching the fans, there is no better way than over the airwaves. The publicity is great and the fans love it.” Adam arrives to do the “Tera Show” hosted by beautiful porn star, Tera Patrick. “Look, it might not be Letterman, but she’s got better tits.” Ha!

Tera welcomes Adam to the couch. Wait a minute. “Airwaves?” This is an internet show. Whatever. Continue. Apparently, she hosts the show by answering emails from her online viewers. Adam says that over the last 11 years, he has done about eight feature movies. Tera reads an email that directs her to slap Adam in the face. Adam thinks this is a set up of some sort. Tera admits to like being slapped in the face. Adam wonders what the point is. Tera: “It makes me come. Selfish me!” Ah, a little rough play. Good to know. She slaps Adam lightly and brings out a few more women to the couch and they strip. Tera: “Clothes off now, and that means everyone.” Adam: “Say what?”

Everyone is topless except for Adam who relates a story of one of his performers who had a pump installed in his penis and he had to squeeze a testicle to get an erection. One of the naked women on the couch who is not Tera wonders if he had to squeeze his other ball to get it to deflate.

Different conversation where Adam explains that “the penis really extends below the balls.” Another naked woman on the couch who is not Tera Patrick asks how Adam knows. Adam: “Because I have one.” Bwah!

Adam does a “Dating Game” kiss as Tera signs off.

Cut to Adam and Brady playing baseball in the park. Adam: “You ready Grandpa? You need some Geritol?” Brady, wearing a FUBU shirt, hits the pitch, and I check the contrast on my television to make sure it’s properly adjusted. And…that’s the last we’ll see of Brady this week.

Finally, Cousin Stevie and Bishop escort Big Red and Don Juan through an office building into the location: a mock barn. They’re not happy. Big Red is worried about getting hay in her asscrack. Bishop tries to sell that “this is a really good room. It’s hard to get this room.” How is it hard? You pay a man, you get the room. Are there that many barnyard fantasy tapes being made that the room is booked years in advance? Whatever, Bishop. Look out, your pants are on fire.

They finally sell the couple on the room, and Bishop sidebars with Stevie that they only have an hour.

Adam finally arrives wearing a muscle tee with “Pervert” emblazoned on the front. Wonders aloud who is responsible for picking the location, and Stevie doesn’t waste a nanosecond before wagging his thumb in Bishop’s direction.

Adam directs the couple to kiss, and work to cunnilingus. They will cut the scene just before penetration.

They film. They undress. Damn, Big Red has an amazing body, while Don Juan…does not. They switch to BJ and Adam cuts. He tells Don Juan that they’ll continue filming when he gets an erection. Showtime surprises me by directly displaying Big Red fluffing Don Juan. Wow. None of that simulated sex, thank you. She fluffs him. And fluffs him. No stiffy. Adam gives Bishop the crooked “limp dick” finger, mocking Don Juan. He tells Don Juan to get relaxed because “we can’t cut around that.” Big Red admits that they had sex earlier today. Adam: “That was smart.”

Interview Stevie: “It fucking figures. I lie, cheat, and steal to get this thing to happen and, of course, the guy goes soft-serve on me!” At this point, I’m thankful that I finished my drink before watching this episode as it would have, undoubtedly, ended up on my television, yet again.

Adam agrees to step out of the room while Don Juan tries to harden up. Adam tells him, “Now you know why when you watch movies why it’s the same guys. Don’t feel bad about it. Trust me. All your blood is in your mind, thinking.” Don Juan is pissed and embarrassed that he can’t get it up.

Interview Adam: “There’s just no way in the world that you can will yourself a hard-on.”

They wrap and Adam tells Stevie not to charge them anything. That’s pretty cool.

Interview Stevie: “After all that, we didn’t make a fuckin’ dime. What a great business this is.” Lights out as Stevie leaves the barn.

Adam agrees that it is always an adventure to be Seymore Butts and we fade to black.

Next time: Myrna wants to turn pro and Adam is not too thrilled about it. Noooooo!

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