Welcome, once again, to another installment of “Family Business” Mondays. Let’s jump right in, shall we?

We open with a brief montage of Myrna performing various secretarial duties in the office as Interview Adam explains, “Myrna’s been my assistant for years and I consider her to be an indispensable part of the family business.”

We’re in the conference room, where Adam is trying to explain some shots he wants Bishop to shoot for the next movie. He has Myrna, clothed, demonstrate a “reverse piledriver” which entails Myrna lying on her back, knees to her ears, as Bishop straddles her from above, facing her butt. Okay, I expected Rowdy Roddy Piper to pop out and dropkick Bishop or something.

Myrna and Adam are at the Casa playing air hockey when Myrna tells Adam she has something to discuss. A pay raise? Better benefits? Myrna: “I want to be in your movies.” Adam scores a goal and looks upset. He calls for time out from the camera crew (who refuses) and tells Myrna, “Let’s go outside.”

Poolside. Adam is perplexed. “What do you mean you want to do movies?” Apparently, Myrna has been thinking about this decision for a year and hasn’t told anyone about it. She assures Adam that she has thought about how this will change her life. Naturally, Adam asks for her reasons for wanting to go from his personal assistant to porn star, to which she says that she “like[s] the whole being free and not caring what other people think. I want to party hard and live life in the fast lane.”

Perhaps she can count her chickens before they hatch, or kill two birds with one stone, or something equally as cliché.

Another day at the Casa, where Adam is explaining the scene to a group of performers including Hershel and Flower. The scene goes like this: Adam has entrusted Flower to housesit for him while he was away on business. When he comes home a day early with Hershel, they enter his house to find Flower having sex with her friend Angelica.

We’re rolling and the scene magically unfolds before our eyes, and Hershel joins the action. Angelica moans like a high-pitched dog whistle.

Cut to some café, where no matter how many times I pause and rewind, I cannot read the name on the sign. Oh well. Myrna tells Adam that if he doesn’t put her in his movies, she will find someone else who will. Dun, dun, DUN!

Adam reluctantly agrees to make Myrna the next Tushie Girl. He tells her that they will take things very slowly as he welcomes her to Team Tushie.

Over to the AIM Healthcare Foundation where Myrna fills out a few dozen forms. A nurse walks her through the forms and exposits that AIM stands for “Adult Industry Medical” and that they were formed to help the talent.

Myrna takes an HIV test and she is almost as afraid of needles as I am. Adam teases her not to faint. The nurse tells Myrna, “I was poked for years, and now I get to poke.” Myrna looks confused as the nurse reveals that she was once Misty Dawn. Ah, so there is life after porn. The testing complete, Adam and Myrna leave.

Lunchroom where Adam, seated on the counter wearing a long sleeve shirt, a belly bag, and a 70’s style rainbow cap, is talking to Stevie who was shocked to discover Myrna’s name on the cast list for the upcoming film.

Mom comes in and tells them to be careful because it is going to be difficult to shoot in the rain. Adam casts a thumb at Mom and says to Stevie, “AccuWeather with Fritz.” Adam says not to worry; his inner weatherman says it doesn’t feel like rain.

Adam asks Cousin Stevie if he got the restaurant cleared. “Yeah,” Stevie answers, and you know he thinking, “Holy Crap, I was supposed to do what?” “What time,” Adam asks, and Stevie tells him 10:00. Perhaps Stevie preemptively came through for once.

I realize that I spoke too soon as Interview Stevie tells us that he forgot to book the restaurant. There’s the Stevie we all know and love! Cut to Stevie’s office where he is frantically dialing restaurants to try to find a location.

In the lobby, Mom sits down on the couch with some young hopefuls who are there for a casting session. Interview Mom explains that when they do casting calls in the office, she likes to put the girls at ease.

Montage of Adam and Bishop interviewing the women in various stages of undress. One woman admits to having done a fetish film where she repeatedly bashed a guy in the balls with a tennis racket. I wonder if she used topspin?

Stevie’s office where he’s still trying to book a restaurant for the nearing shoot. “It’s a cross between ‘Braveheart’ and ‘Yentl’,” he lies, “except totally nude, and fucking. Permit? Whaddya mean, ‘permit’? Hello?”

Finally, Adam would like to see the women dance. Bishop, unable to operate the stereo, starts improvising. The women react with utter fear at Bishop’s attempt to beat box a rhythm. They try to dance, attempting not to appear as awkward as possible, and fail miserably. One girl laughs uncontrollably. She has braces and a tongue ring, and I doubt that she could cram any more metal in her mouth. Except for possibly a gold tooth, or the obvious joke about a Prince Albert.

They finish the casting session and Adam compliments Bishop on his mad skills by calling him a “Renaissance Man.” Perhaps Adam is on crack and is mistaking Bishop for Kadeem Hardison who was in “Renaissance Man.” Either way, Adam has lost his mind.

Steve, who finally managed to book a restaurant, is driving around town collecting from small distributors who owe the business money. He repeatedly kvetches that he hates collecting money. Stevie arrives at the first place, which ahs a sign on the door reading, “Be back in 5 minutes.”

Adam and Myrna discuss names for her upcoming career. She reads Adam’s list and doesn’t like any of them.

Interview Adam: “If I had realized that the name would be that important, when I was choosing the name, Seymore Butts, I might have chosen a cooler name.”

Myrna still hates the names.

Interview Stevie tells us that he suggested “Ivanna Suckyourballsdry” and “Maya Cunthurts.” He thought either one would be perfect for Myrna.

Myrna finally decides on Mari Possa, which Adam suggests is a triple entendre, being Spanish for “butterfly”, having “ass” backwards, and being the name of a watering hole. She hugs Adam, thankful for not having to be called Ivanna Suckyourballsdry.

Stevie is still out collecting. He drives up to a yard that has beer cans and condoms strewn across it. He knocks on the privacy fence demanding money from XXXX. A white trash woman yells that XXXX moved away, and that he owes her money, too. She yells for Stevie to get off her property, and then tosses a beer can over the fence, hitting Stevie on the shoulder. Hee! Good aim.

We’re at the Casa, where a photographer has arrived to shoot a sexy layout of Myrna. Myrna has makeup applied to her butt and the photographer tells her to relax in her red lingerie, lookin’ all hot…Sorry. Got sidetracked for a minute. He takes some photos of her, she strips, and they shoot some more.

Steve arrives at another place where someone owes him money. He enters the man’s apartment, which is cluttered with boxes of toys, and action figures. Stevie wonders if he robbed a truck and the guy tells him that this is part of a shipment for Puerto Rico.

Unsurprisingly, the man doesn’t have Stevie’s money and he offers him some chili. Then, he offers to pay Stevie with Furbys. Showtime puts “hidden identity” bars across a wall of boxed Furbys and I have to stop the tape to laugh. Stevie just leaves without threatening to kneecap the guy.

More nudie shots of Myrna. She has a butterfly tattoo on her ass, which, I suppose, inspired the name, Mari Possa.

Stevie’s back at the first collection place, where a new sign reads, “Back at 6:00pm.” He crumples the sign and leaves in frustration. While driving, Stevie spills soda all over his pants and whines to himself that he’s finished collecting and that it looks like he peed his pants.

Adam takes Brady bowling and says he calls his time with his son “clean time.” Adam slips on the lane and Brady laughs. Interview Mom says that she loves it when Adam spends time with his son.

Casa. Adam, Myrna, and a Hispanic couple are discussing the scene they will be shooting that night. They will all be at a restaurant celebrating Mari’s entry into the business.

The arrive at Oliva Trattoria, where Stevie has been waiting for a half hour. Sure enough, it’s raining outside. Listen to your mother!

Interview Adam says that they will be shooting guerilla style. Isn’t all porn shooting guerilla style. Do they actually get permits to film anywhere?

Cousin Stevie waits in the parking lot and grouses, “Fucking pneumonia out there.” Inside, Adam is explaining the broad strokes of the dialogue and explains that they need to be quick, since Stevie is acting as lookout outside. Cut to Stevie, asleep in his car.

Adam explains that he wants the couple to be engaged in only a few positions. “Start out with vag cowgirl, and transition to anal cowgirl.”

Outside, a security guard tells Stevie that he has to leave and Stevie argues with him.

Guard: Hey man, you can’t park here.
Stevie: Aw, man. Fuck off, will ya?
Guard: Hey. You gotta leave now.
Stevie: Alright, alright.

Stevie leaves the parking lot. “Fucking rent-a-cop.”

They all leave the restaurant to go to the car and the couple gets in the back seat as they go through a run through of the scene before filming.

Interview Stevie: “You know I love my cousin, but I don’t know why he can’t shoot a sex scene in the bedroom like normal people.”

Cousin Stevie returns and bribes the security guard. The guard pockets the cash and agrees to be cool.

Back inside the restaurant they are ready to start filming and Bishop tells Myrna good luck and to “bust a nut.” They begin filming.

Adam and Myrna leave the restaurant and go to the car to find the couple engaged in reverse cowgirl. The couple has sex while Adam films, and Myrna masturbates.

They finish up, and the couple leaves. It was a pretty quick scene.

Interview Adam: “Things can happen really fast in this industry. One day you’re choosing a name, and the next, people are asking for your autograph.”

Vegas montage of Adam and Myrna parading through a crowd of fans and paparazzi. Adam says that if she wants to, Myrna could be a star.

Next time: Field trip to the porn convention!

READ THESE JOURNALS Uncle Bob SaraH

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