Sorry for the lack of a journal entry on Friday, but I was still in Baltimore for the majority of the day. So.

Did anyone see the first half of USA’s “Helen of Troy” last night? I completely dig this version of Helen as a sex kitten. My god, the first half was worth it alone to see her parading around naked from the rear.

I also learned that it is completely possible to kick ass using a ladder, a sword, and a torch during the same fight.

I think Helen’s family should have been on Springer. Her mom was raped, and committed suicide. Her brother was in love with her. Her older sister was jealous of her beauty and free spirit. Her father was verbally abusive. Hell, that’s a normal Tuesday episode.

Also, why does Achilles look like Stone Cold Steve Austin. I keep expecting him to crack open a Budweiser all over his bald head.

As a point of historical reference, it’s good to know that the idea of “one man, one vote” came out of Agamemnon, Menelaus, Achilles, Odysseus, et al casting lots to see who got to marry Helen. I don’t remember it that way, but how can a miniseries be misleading.

You should tune in for the thrilling dialogue such as Paris saying, “I can’t believe people go to war over nutmeg.”

Anyway, that’s not really why we’re here, is it? That’s right. It’s “Family Business” Monday!

We fade up over a montage of Las Vegas casinos as Interview Adam tells us that once a year, in January, the adult industry hosts the Adult Entertainment Expo, culminating in the AVN Awards, a sort of Porn Oscars.

The Venetian. Adam is talking to Myrna/Mari (I’m still on the fence as to what name to call her) and two other porn stars whose names I was unable to determine. Let’s call them Blond Porn Star (BPS1), and Blond Porn Star 2 (BPS2).

Adam tells them that the security screener at the airport recognized him. “It was like a white trash convention at the airport,” muses BPS1. BPS2 adds, “It was so bad. It was like every woman in the world with biggest fake tits and her man taking care of her like [insert whip crack sound here].” Hello Pot? Kettle calling. You’re black. You know, except for the fake tits thing.

Adam passes out the itinerary for the convention as he relates, “We’re basically the ‘loud as hell booth.’ We get the biggest crowds.” This is because the women are willing to flash. Apparently, every year, they get closed down because of their behavior and Adam doesn’t want this to happen again. “Basically you can’t even show your nipples,” he tells the girls. BPS2 shares, “I’ll flash my or show my ass and we’ll basically get closed, but we’ll push it and they’ll warn us like one or two times.” BPS demonstrates by flashing the camera on her way out. Hello Pot. Kettle here again. Still black.

Limp Bizkit’s version of the Mission: Impossible theme plays for some reason as the clock indicates that it is 8:42 am and Adam is impatiently waiting for Cousin Stevie. Interview Adam tells us that he usually travels with Stevie so this does not happen.

9:23. Stevie is on the phone with his wife Amy, who sounds older this time, and tells her that the airline lost his luggage. 11:46. Stevie is on the phone with said airline. “Is this Baggage Claim? I’ve gotta get my fuckin’, goddamn luggage. Either that, or buy me a new suit.”

Stevie finally knocks on Adam’s door, and then bangs on it telling Adam to hurry up. Dude, Adam’s not the one who is late. Inside the hotel room, they talk over their plans for the convention. Adam will man the booth, and Stevie will track down distributors, both foreign and domestic. Stevie thinks they should go after the smaller distributors since they can get COD and not have to wait to get paid.

Adam agrees to meet Cousin Stevie at the convention and Stevie assures us that he has directions. Why they are not staying in the same hotel as the convention, I have no idea. Adam reminds Stevie not to use the mini bar as they are on a tight budget. Remember this one for later. If they are so worried about costs, why are they staying at the Venetian?

Expo. Strippers, Strippers everywhere, and ne’er a hole to plug. Ok, so Samuel Taylor Coleridge, I’m not. Adam walks the floor sporting his Staff Proctologist muscle tee greeting random people while Interview Stevie adds, “Everyone loves Seymore. He’s such a personal guy; he’s like a rock star at these things. ‘Seymore, sign my girlfriend’s tits.’ ‘Seymore sign my girlfriend’s pussy.’ ‘I want you to screw my wife!’” First, I think he meant to say that Adam is “personable,” and not “personal.” Second, how do you sign someone’s pussy?

Adam’s making the rounds, shaking more hands, greeting more fans.

Cousin Stevie enters the convention. The Bondage Convention. D’oh! Cue the montage of various half-naked women tied, gagged, and bound to poles. Stevie asks a woman if she has seen the Seymore Booth. The woman is hung from a harness face down, arms tied behind her back, with a ball gag inserted in her mouth. She mumbles something to the effect that no, she has not seen the Seymore Booth.

Interview Adam: “How Stevie winds up at the Bondage Convention instead of our convention is something I’ll never understand.”

Various shots of Stevie, lost, asking leather-clad folk how to find the Seymore Butts booth.

Interview Cousin Stevie: “Naked women, booths, people selling shit. It sure looked like the AVN show to me.”

Stevie gets outfitted in a studded choker.

Back at the Expo, Adam’s hanging out and spots a mildly attractive dyed blonde who goes by the name of Jesse Jane. Adam’s jaw drops to the floor and I am perplexed because he has women that are more attractive in his stable.

Interview Stevie: “If it’s blond, cute, with a good ass, Adam’s on it. Like flies on shit.”

Interview Adam adds that she “left him speechless.” Umm. Okay.

Meanwhile, back at the BondCon, Stevie is on the phone with Adam and admits that he could be in the wrong place, then adds, “I’m looking for you all over.” wearing a leather biker hat, studded choker, and sucking on a lollipop, while strapping on a bandolier. “Oh this is nice,” he says of the bandolier. A woman in a cage bites his finger when he goes to pet her. Hee!

Adam’s still stalking Jesse around the Expo. She stops at her booth to sign autographs and Adam finally gets to talk to her. He tells her that he “finally tracked her down.” Poor start, buddy. As he talks to her, her publicist whisks her away for an interview, leaving Adam talking to himself.

Adam meets with a purveyor, actually a chemist, who has developed “Sphyncterene,” the “world’s first ass-stringent, and the last frontier for personal hygiene.” Apparently when you squeeze some of this goop up your ass, it tingles and tastes minty fresh. Then the dude sings the jingle. Ugh. What a useless product. I wonder if he set out to develop this, or if it was a moment of serendipity, like Nylon. Adam has a woman test it out. “It feels like I have a tin of Altoids in my booty.” Adam says he’d like to sell it on their website.

BondCon. Stevie learns about whipping a woman’s breasts with various objects. “These trips are all about learning,” he exposits. I turn away, as her boobs are black and blue. He gets another phone call from Adam. “I’m on my way,” he says, running through the aisles.

Cousin Stevie finally reaches the right convention and the proper booth and tells Adam he made a wrong turn. Adam sees Jesse and wonders away from Stevie. Interview Stevie says, “You have no idea how many times I’m talking to Adam, and he ditches me to talk to some broad.”

Adam finally catches Jesse and asks her to the AVN Show as his date, like a seventh grader. “I don’t have a date. I don’t know if you have a date, and you’re just beautiful…” Oy, Adam. Get some game.

She finally agrees to be his date to the show, and I expect some ‘80’s music to start playing as if this is some John Hughes flick or something. “No more yanky my wanky, the Donger need food!”

Cousin Stevie visits the xxxchurch.com booth where he meets some Gen-X pastors intent on getting porn people to church. Their banner reads, “Jesus loves porn stars.” Stevie looks like he’s having a good time.

Back at the booth, Adam gets warned about violating the rules. Shots of BPS2 flashing between the legs. He gets briefed on the official rules. Apparently, it is kosher for the convention to show hardcore porn on monitors, but not any love nudity. Stop the hypocrisy people.

Stevie gets a penis pump demonstrated on his hand by a vendor who is morally offended by Stevie’s language. Wrong business, pal! He then moves on to the flavored condom booth. “Ooh, I wish I could suck my own dick!” Holy crap, that was the best line of the show. Cola, banana, chocolate. He then sing-songs, “Chocolate dicks in the house!” Second best line.

Stevie adds that since Adam is on a budget, he will grab some freebie flavored condoms for the next shoot. Good thinking.

Playboy party. Interview Adam says that while he enjoys being on the floor, the best part of the trip is the after hours parties. Stevie is wearing a flannel shirt that looks as if it has been stitched together from three different shirts, while Adam sports the Jackson Pollock shirt he wore a few episodes back. Stevie’s dancing with two women, and Adam’s white boy dancing with Jesse.

Interview Stevie says, “I can’t believe Adam dragged me out. I just wanted to go to sleep.” He sure looks like he’s enjoying himself, though. He interrupts Adam and Jesse who are talking in the corner, to try to steal Jesse away, and gets the old heave-ho from Adam. He thanks Adam for inviting him out, and says he is going to his room to sleep.

Stevie’s room, where he’s on the phone with room service ordering a two-pound lobster, antipasto salad with shrimp, a grilled pork chop, and a bottle of wine. Interview Stevie complains that he hasn’t eaten all day. The front desk informs Stevie that Adam had room service blocked, so Stevie goes off in search of food. Bwah!

He wanders into a bondage party and begins to chow down on the buffet while he watches a woman put on a burlesque show from the confines of a large martini glass.

Adam’s in his room talking to his mommy, who is babysitting Brady. He tells her about Jesse, who “took [his] breath away.”

Stevie meets a dominatrix wearing a silver gown, who has her knee firmly entrenched in his crotch as she makes small talk. Her breasts? Larger than basketballs. No exaggeration. She bends Stevie over her knee and begins spanking him while he shouts, “I’m sorry, Mistress. I’ll be good.” Then, she rides him around the room like a horsey and Stevie accepts a dollar bill in his mouth from a man who is enjoying the show. The dominatrix hugs Stevie, thanking him for being a good sport.

Venetian. Morning. Adam is talking to Brady who is filling him in on the world of Yu-gi-oh! while Stevie talks to Amy, who worries that his hangover will prevent him from working. They share a cute moment when they exchange “I love you”s.

Expo. Stevie chases a man into the bathroom trying to sell some Seymore products, while Adam massages BPS1’s butt as she signs autographs.

Stevie sits with a Chinese distributor pitching his products, trying to get into the Asian markets when he realizes the man does not understand English.

Montage to illustrate how stupid Porn Stars are: “I don’t have a favorite author.” “Is this like a hard question, ‘cause it is.” “I don’t read.” “I like Hustler Magazine.” Thank god these are not the future leaders of America.

Adam dresses for the AVN awards. He puts on some pointy, uncomfortable looking reptile-ish shoes and a snakeskin muscle button-down. Cousin Stevie calls Adam to tell him that the airline finally found his luggage, as he dresses in a black suit, and complains that his seats are standing room only. D’oh!

In Adam’s room, Stevie tells Myrna she looks like a “pink flowerpot.” “Is that good?” she wonders. She’s dressed in a sleeveless, shaggy jumpsuit. No Myrna, that’s not good at all.

Adam, Stevie, Myrna, and BPS1 make their way down the receiving line and are greeted by various people in the biz. Adam’s escorting Jesse who is wearing a very conservative red sequined, strapless gown. Well, compared to a random porn star sporting a see-through gown, that’s conservative.

Twins, triplets, and hoo-ers a poppin’.

Interview Cousin Stevie: “This is one fashion show, Joan Rivers would have popped a stitch.”

The publicist from Hell steals Jesse away from Adam again.

The show. Stevie’s standing in the back complaining about his lack of a seat so he decides to pocket the table gifts for himself. Adam’s walking around looking for Jesse. Stevie’s pissed, so he leaves. People win awards and give acceptance speeches. A woman wearing traditional Islamic garb, holding a slave wench on a leash shouts, “I’m so fucking glad I went to law school.” Another recipient announces that “sucking dick rules.” Adam presents some award to someone I don’t know, and Raylene announces that the show is over.

Jesse says to the camera that she’s looking forward to her and Adam’s first real date and we fade out to the happy couple walking away.

Next time: A family friend is interested in becoming a porn star so it’s up to Adam and company to dissuade her.

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