As promised, it’s the latest recap of “Family Business.”

And there was much rejoicing.

We fade up on clips of Adam driving. Why? Who knows. Why couldn’t we open up on his arriving at the webmaster’s house? It wouldn’t be unreasonable to assume that he drove there. I mean, Adam doesn’t own a Vespa, so c’mon.

So as Adam’s driving, Interview Adam muses that one of the main reasons for the growth of the adult industry is the growth of the Internet.

Anyway, Adam goes to meet his webmaster, who, I assume, is working out of his house. Adam walks around back, perhaps to the work entrance, and pretends to hit his head on the air conditioner protruding from the side of the house, clearly blocking the path.

Adam does shit like this a lot this episode and I wonder why he’s mugging for the camera so often.

Anyway, Adam sits down with the webmaster, who I’ll call webmaster, and learns about the design of his website.

Interview Stevie: “Adam’s website is the only part of the business that we turn over to someone else, because I don’t have a fucking clue how to use the computer.”

Webmaster explains the idea behind the Pussy Posse, where any girl from around the world may post pictures, or video of herself doing whatever.

Cue the montage of video clips of women telling Adam they want to be in his films.

Interview Adam: “Lots of women want to get into the business without necessarily thinking of the ramifications.

One fan’s Posse clip: “I’m from Florida, but now I’m in Bangkok, which is really what I want to do to you.”

Ah, I see. This was all a setup to introduce the theme of the week: the dark side of the porn industry.

Adam drives back to the warehouse where Mom tells him that her friend’s niece is interested in becoming a porn star. Her friend knows that her family would not approve. This girl’s parents think she’s coming to Hollywood for vacation, but she’s really coming in to check out the porn industry.

Mom talks to Stevie. Wacky plan alert! Wacky plan alert! Mom wants Cousin Stevie to point out the negatives about the industry, and not mention the positives. “Are you listening?” she asks him. “Hmm?” “Are you listening?” “What?” Hee.

Interview Stevie: “Lila very seldom asks for a favor. She asks for a favor, you certainly go out of your way to try to do that favor for her.”

Back to Mom and Adam. Adam says, “I can’t make the girl not get into the business, but I’ll give her some biased advice.” Atta boy.

Interview Stevie: “This is a really weird situation. Usually, we wouldn’t try to dissuade, or encourage them, but it’s a family business, and this is a friend of the family, which makes them family. And you go the extra mile for family.”

Voice mail: “Hi Lila, this is Lily. I’m at the airport. Where I’ve been waiting for like twenty minutes. Could you let me know if someone is coming to get me?” Damn, this Lily has some at-ti-tude.

Steve, clearly going the extra mile, is maxing and relaxing in a salon where two Asian women are giving him a manicure, and a pedicure, while he melts away his tension in a massage chair. He asks one of the women to answer his ringing cell phone, one of whom digs around in his pants pocket, then holding the phone to his ear. Stevie’s hands? Soaking in it. Madge would be proud.

“What terminal? Where is she? I’ve been riding around the airport; this is the third time. No, I’m not screwing around, I’m at the airport.” Someone get the fire extinguisher, I think Stevie’s pants are about to burst into flames.

Stevie runs from the salon shouting, “Put it on my tab!” as the Asian women giggle and yell, “Goodbye,” and “Thank you.” Stevie tries to haul ass to the airport, but is thwarted by rush hour traffic.

He finally spies a lone girl across the highway at the airport. “Roxanne? Are you Roxanne? I’m Cousin Steve. I’ll be right there.” Stevie busts a U-ey and gets out to help Roxanne with her bags.

Roxanne is 18-20, Canadian, with long dark blonde hair, and the body of a thirteen-year-old boy.

Stevie asks Roxanne how she would like to be introduced to Adam. She tells him to say, “Lily French.”

Interview Stevie complains that actors and actresses have different names for films/bank accounts/driver’s licenses, and you end up calling them, “Hey, you!”

Stevie introduces Lily to Adam and Mom, while Interview Mom poorly explains the double standard that exists between men and women in the porn industry.

Conference room. It’s just Adam and Lily now, and Lily flirts, “I don’t know what you’ve heard about French girls.” Stinky, hairy armpits? “French girls are very sex-u-al.” Except you are Canadian. Adam, completely not cares, “Is that what they say?”

Adam explains the negatives of the industry, and tells her that it’s hard work. He says that his films sell well in Canada, and that she’d return to face someone who has probably seen her work. “Oh yeah, I’ve completely thought about that,” she says, and it is extremely clear that she has not.

Adam tells her that it is a huge decision and that “once you step over that line, it’s really hard, almost impossible, to cross back over.” He takes a few naked Polaroids of Lily, probably for his wallet, and after seeing her nude, I want to give Lily a cheeseburger. No, that’s not some euphemism, the woman is skinny. Waifish, even. She says that Adam hasn’t scared her.

Interview Adam: “She was looking at the industry through rose-colored glasses. I had to give her a dose of reality.”

So, he takes her to one of Bishop’s shoots. Bishop freelances? Well, I suppose, why not. Naturally, Bishop is operating on a much lower budget, which means freebie locations, and less attractive talent. I think he’s using the will-fuck-for-food actors. Ug-ly.

Lily’s kind of digging the bad porn, and Adam can’t watch it’s so horrible. The couple adjourns to the bedroom after some obviously poor acting, where both people stare at their mark. Unfortunately, the scene is cut short by a case of uncooperative penis, and the man waddles off to the bathroom, pants around his ankles. Flaccid city, sweetheart.

Adam, Bishop, and Lily talk in the kitchen of the apartment they are shooting in, and Lily’s tube top slides down her chest, exposing her boobies. Not to be rude, but at least wear a push-up bra so there is some resistance. Either that, or wear a top with straps.

In the elevator, Lily says she wasn’t too happy with the shoot. “I didn’t like his hairy ass. You’d think he would have shaved there.” Adam: “Well you assume wrong.”

I have to say, that at this point in time, I’ve seen this poor man’s boot camp played out better on Jenny Jones.

Lily asks Adam if he’s coming out tonight, and Adam declines since he’s a responsible father and can’t ditch his son to babysit a wannabe porn star. He does tell her that Stevie will take her out.

She and Cousin Stevie cruise Sunset Strip, and go into a bar without showing me the sign. Thanks Showtime. Stevie walks in two steps behind Lily and the bouncer holds out his hand. “We’re all full, man.” “I was with her,” Stevie whines. “Have a good night. [We’re at] Capacity.”

Stevie goes to the trunk of his car, bitching all the way, and bribes the bouncer with a few of Seymore VHS tapes. “I’ll give him his fucking capacity.”

Meanwhile, Adam takes Brady to Spooky House, a haunted theme park. Brady is acting all cocky and tells his father not to get scared because it’s only acting. Brady is looking bored as they approach the haunted house. “It’s not even scary.” “Boooooriiiiing.” Inside, Brady nearly pisses his pants from fright, as he scrambles to cower behind Adam’s leg.

Back at the bar, which is country-western themed, Stevie tells Lily to ride the mechanical bull. “This should be fucking great,” he says to the camera. Amen, brother. Miniskirt, and a tube top. What could go wrong? They get kicked out of the bar for showing too much skin. Stevie whines, “Aw, man. Let her go out. I didn’t do anything!” Nice. Such a gentleman.

They cruise the strip as a montage takes us into the next day.

Adam decides to take Lily to a more professional shoot. He takes her to the filming of Jesse Jane’s first scene in an office cubicle. Lily gets to see many expensive things, like multiple cameras, lighting equipment, camera dollies, and makeup artists. We see clips from the finished scene, as Jesse gets it on with another porn chick.

Adam introduces Lily to Jesse who starts providing Lily with all the positives of being in the biz. Adam calls a time out and Jesse is forced to admit that her situation is rather unique. She has yet to perform on camera, and has a contract with a top production company. Yeah, that’s not usually how it works.

Lily admits that she has experimented with women as well. The director cues up the scene, “On your mark. Get set. Lick pussy.” Classy. The crew films Jesse Jane’s first scene, the lesbian scene.

Jesse admits to Lily that she came out to her family before she went into adult films, and Lily tries desperately to delude herself that she can do this in secret.

Cut to Interview Stevie. “I don’t mind chauffeuring this girl, but there’s stuff I gotta do. I can’t just drop everything cause some wannabe porn star comes to town.”

Stevie and Lily make a stop at a nondescript house in a suburban neighborhood, and as they enter, we see a domination scene unfolding on the living room floor with two dominatrixes (dominatri?) and a hooded man. Apparently, this is a web cam show for meanbitches.com. Stevie looks around. “That must be Larry. Larry?” Larry mumbles hello from under his leather hood. “Take care man,” says Stevie, and he and Lily are out the door.

Interview Stevie: “If his conservative neighbors only knew what went on in that house, there’d be ‘For Sale’ signs up and down the block.”

In the car, Stevie tells Lily that she will be meeting Hershel. (Yay!) Meanwhile, back at the Casa, Adam fills Hersh in on the wacky plan to dissuade Lily. Hershel: “How old is she?” Adam: “Early 20’s.” Hershel: “She’s old.” Bwah!

Casa. Stevie drops Lily off in Adam’s care, and she mistakenly thinks the house belongs to Hershel. “I’m only a porn star, so I have no money,” Hershel quips. Adam and Hershel play up the non-glamorous aspects of the adult industry, pushing the family angle.

Adam tells the story of a woman who once worked in films, who was just a small town girl (living in a lonely world!). Apparently, someone she went to High School with, saw her performance and started the whole grapevine thingy, culminating in her being excommunicated from her family. Her brothers went out of their way to make her feel like a whore.

Lily admits that her family is important to her, but she still thinks that she can keep this from them. Ah, poor child. Dumber than a sack of hammers. So dense. She finally admits that she will have to sleep more on her decision to enter the porn business.

Interview Adam: “Do I think she’s ready? Abso-fucking-lutely not! All I can do is tell her my own opinion and hope she thinks about it. A lot!”

Burbank airport. Cousin Stevie drops Lily off and leaves her at the door wishing her a good trip.

Fade out.

Next week: Season finale! Sob.

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