Okay. I was going to write about the coolest samurai cult film ever today, however I think I’ll put that off until tomorrow to bring you this late breaking rant.

A lawsuit was filed last week in California that would make it illegal for people to eat Oreos.

Yep. Not a typo. A ban on Oreos.

The argument is that the trans fat contained in the delicious black and white masterpieces that make the cream oh so yummy, and the cookie oh so crunchy is in actuality, a silent agent of death.

Argh!

Stephen Joseph, the latest piece of human mediocrity to file a frivolous lawsuit claims that the difference between this suit and others that have targeted tobacco companies, and McDonald’s, is that people know that tobacco is bad for you, and that McDonald’s isn’t healthy.

Are you telling me there are people out there who are being duped into believing Oreos are healthy? I can’t recall hearing about the new Oreo Diet, where you gorge on nothing but Oreos and cabbage soup. I doubt I’ve ever seen Oreos in the Health Food Store.

I think it’s a safe assumption that people realize that Oreos, like other snack foods, are not healthy. That’s why they taste good!

“Trans fat is not the same thing at all. Very few people know about it,” Joseph said, explaining that his suit focuses on the fact that the trans fats are hidden dangers being marketed to children.

Hidden dangers? It’s not like the good people at Nabisco are spreading an extra layer of trans fats on the underside of the cookie. It’s not like the filling is made from mashed vegetables. It’s cream. And therefore fatty, and bad for you. It’s not a difficult thought process, Stephen.

Apparently, partially hydrogenated vegetable oils, which contain trans fats, are present in about 40% of the food on grocery store shelves. Duh, that’s why they are called preservatives. Trans fats are created when hydrogen is bubbled through oil to produce a margarine that does not melt at room temperature, in order to increase the product’s shelf life. Yum!

I’ve had it with this bullshit. Some people, nosy assholes, for instance, need to take less of an interest in other people’s lives. Stop telling us what we can and cannot eat. Butt out of my kitchen.

All you should be doing is informing the public of the dangers of products, not forcibly limiting their use. That’s called denying freedom of choice. If I know that Oreos are bad for me, and still decide to consume three packages per night, than tough on me. I get heart disease and die. Whatever. But that’s my prerogative.

That’s Bobby Brown’s cue to get jiggy.

When was the exact moment that we, as a society, decided to insulate ourselves from ourselves? As a child (growing up in the ‘80s) I didn’t have a car seat. I played with toys that looked like weapons, and were sharp. I ate things that weren’t terribly good for me. I’m fine! I have a healthy respect for vehicular safety, the law, and nutrition.

Stop dictating the behavior of others! It’s enough already.

We cannot insulate our children, our society, ourselves from everything that is dangerous. It’s futile to even try. The answer is not to ban dangerous items. The answer is to educate people on the dangers, and allow them to make the appropriate decision. Or not. It’s called natural selection, and I, for one, think it’s time that the stupid and the inept partake.

Teach people to eat nutritiously. Don’t just limit the availability of deliciously fattening snack foods, to save a few thousand people from heart disease related deaths.

I’ll say it again, because it bears repeating. The answer is not limiting. The answer is not frivolous lawsuits that waste taxpayers’ money, as well as the money of corporate America simply to make a point. They have enough to worry about with the economic climate.

The answer is education.

And now you know. And knowing is half the battle. Yo Joe!

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