Man, what is up with Showtime? I think they’ve finally caught on that HBO has been surpassing them for years in terms of original programming and now they have finally decided to start playing catch-up. Just call them HBO-lite.

I thought they had something a few years back with their Sci-Friday lineup, but hey when your lineup consists of Stargate, Odyssey 5, and Jeremiah, and at least two out of the three shows suck ass, what can you do?

But it seems that most recently, they are trying to raise the bar with shows such as Family Business, and Penn & Teller: Bullshit. And now with two new darker, more edgy series premiering next month, Out of Order, and Dead Like Me, they may even become respectable.

Also, they seem to be pumping some cash into original film budgets. I’m making sure to set my vcr (damn my lack of a Tivo) to catch Paul Newman in Our Town.

I guess they figured out that quality original programming doesn’t equate to softcore. Red Shoe Diaries, and Passion Cove, or Herpes Beach, or whatever, just can’t compete with The Sorpranos, or Six Feet Under.

So it seems like they are making a real effort. Which is nice.

Anyway, I need to tell you about a birthday party I went to on Saturday.

And keep in mind this was a party for one-year-old twins.

The party was held in a banquet room, with about 100 people in entirety. For the children, they had a storyteller, a magician who also did balloon animals, and a face painter.

No, a face designer. Face painting is something done at the county fair, where you get a flower painted on your cheek in grease pencil. This woman was a makeup artist. She painted entire faces in excruciating detail. One girl walked around sporting Spiderman makeup to rival Tobey McGuire’s mask. And to top it off, when she wiped her hand across her face, ostensibly to wipe snot on her sleeve, the makeup stayed intact. Now, that’s pretty sweet. I wish I would have had the nerve to walk up and get Gene Simmons makeup.

The magician was actually really good. He truly had command of the audience of both kids and adults, and involved every child in the act. The kids weren’t wandering around or anything; they sat spellbound as he performed simple illusions. And then he gave them balloon animals. I told my little cousin, Brandon, to ask for a sloth. Alas, he got a dinosaur.

As for food, the children ate chicken fingers, pizza bread, and macaroni and cheese. They had cake and an ice cream bar for desert. I don’t mean ice cream bar like a Good Humor bar or anything. I mean a bar like four different kinds of ice cream followed by any topping imaginable.

Now on to the adults. We had our choice of a mixed greens salad, or a cup of seafood bisque, that was so rich, it could have been on Forbes 500. The entrée choices were a crab cake sandwich, which was humongous, and did not come as a sandwich, smoked chicken and penne pasta, and a mixed greens salad with sliced filet on top. I had the filet. Pretty yummy.

All of this for a first birthday party.

As for the twins, boytwin fell asleep early during the party, choosing to hold his bottle against the edge of the table so he could drink and support his head at the same time, and passed out. Girltwin was awake for the entire event and was incredibly tired later that night. They won’t remember any of it.

Did I mention the piñata? No? Well the kids lined up smallest to largest and took turns whacking it about with a plastic bat. When the plastic bat proved ineffective, an aluminum bat was handed to the kid at the end of the line. He dashed it to pieces in one shot.

I don’t understand what would make parents spend thousands of dollars on a party their children will only recall from photographs. The kids are too young to really enjoy it, and the adults aren’t really into face design these days. What’s wrong with having some people over to your house for some food and some cake? I can understand getting a magician when your kid is in elementary school and needs to compete for the friendship of others. Then, the overblown birthday party has some meaning.

When I eventually have kids, I’m just going to take some of the photographs from this party, and Photoshop them in. They won’t know the difference, and I can use the three grand to keep them in diapers and formula. Now that's parenting!

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