You know, I generally don’t make a habit of watching made for TV movies. I try to avoid them like screaming germ-infested children in public places. Three months just isn’t time enough to piece together the script, acting, directing, cinematography, editing, sound, etc. required for a film. And generally, everything suffers, including the viewer.

But I happened to catch the broadcast of Martha, Inc: The Martha Stewart Story, Monday night. Truth be told, I was fidgeting around my apartment for a half hour, waiting for this to come on.

Overall, like the majority of made for TV movies, it was pretty bad. Cybill Shepherd, managed to nail some of Martha Stewart’s mannerisms, however, I think she played her with too much warmth, and not nearly enough monotone, nor bass in her voice. However, the person who did her hair was spot on.

Obviously, this was a Martha-bashing movie, which I wholeheartedly support. But the ending, suggesting that Martha Stewart would be surrounded by her fans, her image untarnished by rumors of insider trading and scandal seemed a bit contradictory to what the rest of the film was trying to sell. Eh.

It’s true, I dislike Martha Stewart, but I don’t hate the woman. I have friends who pray at night for carrion birds to feast on her eyeballs like mini hors d’oeuvres, but I really don’t wish any physical harm on her. I just don’t understand her continued popularity.

Let’s begin with her voice. Every word that pours out of her mouth sounds like it has been carefully scripted. And I’m not talking about her television shows, or interviews. I think it has a lot to do with her diction (heh, diction). No one speaks like this. I take it back. The only people who speak with her manner of speech are people inviting Muffin to high tea at the country club.

She has obviously developed this manner of speech and while it may seem sophisticated to some, I find it incredibly phony, and it makes every word she speaks sound forced, and calculated, and designed to make her sound “better” than you.

Let’s move on to her eyes. Often, if you watch her show on the Food Network, it’s difficult to gage her mood through her eyes, because they are so often affected by her oh so phony smile. However, once in a while, you can catch a glimpse in her eyes, that suggests that she would enjoy lighting your hair on fire and making smores over your charring corpse. It’s her true contempt for everyone who is not Martha Stewart.

Moving on to her advice. I have a great deal of difficulty swallowing her advice. The way she suggests tips on improving recipes, or your home, or whatever, are related in a way that makes you feel inadequate. That if you can’t fold a napkin into a swan you have no reason breathing the same air as she. It doesn’t feel like she’s giving tips; it feels as if she is telling you the right way to do something, as if there is some fundamental flaw in your methods.

But the most incomprehensible aspect is why no one is able to duplicate her recipes. It is as if she is afraid to divulge the secret of her cooking, and purposely leaves out the key ingredient. It’s akin to “and then a miracle happens.” No wonder her recipes are not reproducible. To tell the truth, if I want a recipe off the Food Network, I’m going to use one from an actual chef, not some frou-frou housefrau control freak who thinks that it is absolutely essential to have the drapes match the napkins match the place settings match your shoes match the glaze on the turkey.

So what if I don’t own linen napkins? Does that mean I should be ashamed to invite friends over for dinner? I’m not going to be serving pizza on a sterling silver chafing dish, so back off.

I think she can be incredibly condescending to her audience, and yet they continually swallow it whole. To her fans, she can do no wrong. Run down another person with your SUV? No problem. Commit insider trading, and securities fraud? Forgiven.

I’m not saying her advice isn’t beneficial to some. I’m not saying her visage should be cleansed from this Earth. I’m just saying that the next time she proposes using fennel in homemade ice cream or glittering reused tin foil that once wrapped your leftover chicken, and using it to wrap gifts you stop to think if it’s something worth doing, and not just because Martha said so.

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