It’s been a fun morning. I’m supposed to head down to the beach this afternoon for Memorial Day weekend, and it is supposed to start raining any minute now. I am so sick of the rain. We haven’t had much of a spring. It went from snow, to rain, and now, hopefully, to summer.

Also, I almost sideswiped a car on my way to work. In its rear window, pasted to the glass was a sign reading, “Pro God, Pro Life” and as I was trying to comprehend why someone would purposely advertise these beliefs, I noticed my car heading toward its passenger side door at a high rate of speed. I narrowly missed creaming it with my Blazer.

I proudly patted my car, convinced that it has developed consciousness, and apologized for making it miss.

Oh c’mon, it’s not as if they were intelligent. Hold it! I’m not saying that people with Pro God, Pro Life beliefs are ignorant, or unintelligent. They are perfectly valid opinions to hold (cough*although they are wrong*cough), however, semi-intelligent people choose not to advertise their political beliefs to the world from a bumper sticker.

When was the last time you saw Louis Farrakhan driving around with “I brake for no Honky” on his rear bumper. Or Bill Clinton with “Put ‘em on the glass.” People with half a brain realize that their opinions are their own, and should only be shared with others who are interested.

Traffic is violent enough without having to worry about pissing off some pro-lifer on the freeway.

Anyway, speaking of coughing, I’m sitting here trying to ditch this hacking cough that has been ruining my life, and my sleep, for the past few days. I’ve been taking DayQuil, and I’ve come to love the mediciny orange flavor of relief, however, it seems I left the bottle at home this morning.

So I’m staring at a bottle of Silexin (yeah, I’ve never heard of it either) that the nurse at work gave me. It’s red which means it tastes like ass, and it is a sugar-free, alcohol-free non-narcotic. It’s made by Otis Clapp & Son, which is funny enough to make me choke down some of this so-called remedy.

From the label: Silexin combines expectorant and cough-suppressant action to prompt temporary relief of nagging coughs. Doasge: 4 teaspoons every eight hours.

Eight hours? Damn, this shit is powerful. Fortunately, the nurse gave me a plastic measuring cup so I don’t have to root through the drawers looking for teaspoons.

This measuring cup is by far the most informative device I have ever seen. On this tiny little shot glass, measurements are given in milliliters, cc’s, tablespoons, teaspoons, fluid ounces, and drams. I’m not exactly sure why it is necessary to be this descriptive when describing a dosage, particularly when milliliters and cc’s are the same, and since I doubt anyone has measured anything in drams since the Middle Ages. Drams, by the way, are 1/16 of an ounce, and I fail to see how that is useful in any manner.

As a child, neither my brother nor I were able to take cough syrup, which caused much frustration in my parents. Every time we would down the vile fluid, no matter the brand, color, or flavor, we would instantly gag, and vomit it back up into the sink.

So we suffered through coughing fits while my parents tried to find alternative methods to stop our coughs. Once, they were able to convince us to try something called “Cough-Whip” which sounds absolutely horrible. It was a paste mixture of something or other that when swallowed was supposed to suppress coughs. It was bubble gum flavored. Or so read the label. Since I’ve never seen Bubbalicious come in medicine flavor, I can’t begin to describe the degree of false advertising inherent in this product. Also, it induced instant vomiting.

So we suffered for years until my mom discovered, through our pediatrician, a prescription medication called Tessalon Pearl. It came in pill form, with which I have never had a problem with. (Crazy fact #102: I can swallow pills without water)

You see, this pill was originally created as an anesthetic for throat surgery. The pill is given to the patient and once bitten, the pill releases a dose of liquid anesthetic that numbs the throat, making it possible to operate. However, some experimental soul noticed that when ingested whole, it stopped coughs.

Miracle cure! However, of late, I have run out of these pills, and have yet to go to the doctor to get a new prescription. So, yes, I’m to blame. But last year, I was desperate enough to try cough syrup once again, as my cough would send me into fits of agony. And I’ve found that DayQuil is not that bad.

So here’s to you Silexin. You’d better work, damnit.

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