You know, the Internet can be a terrific place if you’re up to no good.

Friday night, exhausted from work, and not feeling well enough to go out, I decided to forego the usual crowds at the usual bars, and spend the night recuperating.

There are some friends that I hang out with on IRC (Internet Relay Chat) that I have never met in real life. Basically, we just talk and make fun of others and ourselves. I’ve known these people for years, and for all I know they could be fat men sitting naked in their parents’ basement.

So, after I logged on, and established that not much was going on, we decided to have some fun. And what kind of fun is the best kind of fun? Fun at other people’s expense! Because the Internet is my personal playground.

So it was decided that Sara, Pam, and I would invade other channels and make asses of others and ourselves. To amuse ourselves, you see.

Of course, all names have been changed to protect the guilty. There are no innocents in this entry.

Our first stop was the lovable #politics. Our plans were briefly thwarted when Pam revealed she was banned from #mensa after a similar jaunt a while back. Oh sweet irony.

These nazi bastards in #politics are easy prey, with their ultra-conservative remarks, and complete lack of a sense of humor. We had great fun insulting Supreme Court Justices and the sexual orientation of one woman in particular (she started it with her homophobic comments towards Pam, I believe).

Sarah and I pretended to be a newly married couple, passing the time discussing china patterns and paint colors.

“Say can we return the fondue pot?”
“Unfortunately, no. It was a gift from your parents.”
“Damn. What did we get from your ex-husband?”
“Nothing. You killed him. Remember?”
“Right.”
“Stuck the chili pot right up his ass.”
“I miss that chili pot.”
“We can get another one.”
“Not like that one, we can’t.”

We eventually grew weary of their tired comebacks, and seeing as the channel operators weren’t around, and couldn’t do anything about our behavior, we moved onto greener pastures.

JeffM has entered #depression.

JeffM sighs.

I crack myself up sometimes.

So I sat around the channel counting my Paxil, while Sarah tried to turn the conversation toward gender identity issues, claiming to be a pre-op transsexual. Not to be outdone, Pam made it be known that she felt worthless and was considering cutting herself.

These poor people. They have no idea the depths of our depravity. It didn’t take too long for us to be banned from the channel, what with my constant sighing and remarking that I didn’t have enough Paxil to last the weekend, and Pam’s cutting herself. I believe the boot came when Pam sliced an artery and bled on my remaining Paxil.

I couldn’t stop laughing. I’m horrible.

Luckily, Sarah had yet to be booted, although her comments about having both sex organs were straddling the line. She gave us the play-by-play as Pam and I retreated to our usual channel.

Two minutes later, two strangers wandered into our channel independent of each other. Slave and Rachael from #depression. Slave was depressed because he was shy and embarrassed to talk to women. He was also afraid to curse. Rachael was a transsexual who had run out of money halfway through her sex change operations. She was also on anti-psychotics.

Sometimes this happens. Sometimes the well-intentioned channel visitors ride your coattails around usually out of curiosity. It’s hard to be mean to these folks, so we set aside our agenda for a while and decided to help these people out.

We had limited success in getting Slave to open up. He was afraid and embarrassed to curse openly in the channel, and by the end of the night he was shouting “FUUUUUUCKKK MY NUUUUUUUTTTTTT!” with glee. Rachael was not as forthcoming. We weren’t able to help her out with any of her issues, although we were very interested in learning about her predicament. Thankfully, she was open enough to share.

The evening did hit a snag when we wandered into #Sailor_Moon and found it full of hackers. You can tell a channel that has hackers in it, because all the nicknames are pseudo-cool, and everyone has channel operator status. Slave followed us in as well anxious to overcome his shyness.

So Pam decided to bring Slave out of his shell by seducing him openly in channel. When it was clear that he was too shy to continue, she started becoming a bit forceful, using a bit of bondage to whip him into shape. Pardon the pun.

Then the shit went down, folks.

Slave threw her down and spit on her, pulling a knife. Now I realize this is all pretend, but when someone types in that he threw her down and pulled a knife after spitting on her face, it is a bit shocking. And indicative of larger issues. So basically we decided to see how far he would take this.

At one point after using the pretend knife to cut her breasts off and then fucking her bloody chest, her stopped to paste a link, saying that this was from a story he had written.

“Don’t break character,” I said from the sidelines. My curiosity piqued, I followed the link to his story, “I like to hurt women,” and proceeded to read the most horrifically abusive story ever written. This guy? Seriously fucked up.

I’d like to say the evening ended well, but Slave seriously irritated us so we booted him out, and Rachael remained silent, so we couldn’t really help her any, what with none of us really qualified to offer counsel.

So I logged off and went to bed.

JeffM sighs.

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