So I’ve been on the Atkins diet since the week of Halloween. I’ve mentioned that fact before haven’t I? I think so. Anyway, I’ve lost about twenty pounds and am down to my fighting weight.

Aside: Has anyone seen the new commercial for Xenecal, the speed-like weight loss pill? There’s this dude in the middle of the commercial who races to the camera, shirtless, and poses, screaming, “And I’m back to my fighting weight!” That dude is seriously scary. That would turn me off Xenecal forever. You know, if I ever felt the need to take faux speed.

I’d like to lose more, about ten pounds or so, but I’m already at the weight I was Sophomore year in college, so who am I to complain? Therefore, I’m officially proclaiming the Atkins diet a success.

Man, the first few weeks were a bit tough. I couldn’t find anything to snack on, so I drizzled butter on everything I ate. As Homer once said (Simpson, not the Greek writer of epic novels): “Butter up that bacon! Bacon up that sausage!” I did both.

Finally, I overdosed on cheese cubes, to the point where I haven’t touched the stuff since November. Let me tell you, the DT’s from cheese cubes are particularly painful, however the feeling of being clean and sober from cheesy cube-type products makes it all worthwhile. I got down on both knees and praised the Lord once I was finally able to eat peanuts.

I have gone off the diet a few times (you kind of have to cheat after a while to jump start your body into eating your fat.). Once over Thanksgiving in Orlando at a friend’s wedding, and again over my birthday. But otherwise, I’ve been faithful to the plan, and the results speak for themselves. No gut. Yay!

So enough about my looking hot. I was at the local convenience store grabbing some deli to eat for lunch when my eye was inexplicably drawn to the frozen food freezer. My mouth drooled as my eyes were teased with visions of Ben & Jerry’s. And then I saw it.

Adkins Endulge. One pint. 12 grams of net carbs in an entire pint. Great God in Heaven, only 12 grams of carbs?! But how good can it taste?

I slid the pint out of the freezer, turning it in my hands to read the label. The first ingredient? Cream. Well, that’s certainly a good sign.

Let me tell you how delicious this shit is. The Chocolate Peanut Butter Swirl was a goddamn party in my mouth, people. Why aren’t you buying this stuff? Operators are standing by!

Get your asses to the store and buy either the vanilla, chocolate, chocolate peanut butter swirl, vanilla fudge, or butter pecan. It was amazing to finally have something normal, something sweet. Something to cut the routine of all the steak, bacon, butter, and eggs.

A word of warning, though. Don’t eat an entire pint in one sitting. Friday, for lunch I ate a pint of chocolate peanut butter swirl. That’s all. Just a pint of ice cream. An hour later, I started farting something fierce. I’m a guy, and I was completely embarrassed by the noxious fumes emanating from my asshole. It was constant, folks. I had to check my boxers twice for stains. Luckily, I was spared soiling my drawers.

I finally stopped farting six hours later, after alienating my co-workers and my friends. It’s a small miracle I don’t at present have a girlfriend, otherwise she would have dumped my stank ass.

So today, I’ll only eat half a pint and see what that does.

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