I know you’re probably all excited to hear from me after not writing for so long, but I figured you value your personal time, and would rather not hear of my tedious everyday things.

For example, you can thank me for not telling you about my laundry habits. Uh huh. Stuff like that, that’s too boring to read. That’s what I exclude. I streamline my life for you, down to the juicy innards so that you have something interesting to read about. And rather than betray that trust, when nothing much is happening in my life, I write nothing. You’re welcome.

So this weekend, I drove down to Richmond with my friend Lee, and hung out with some of his old friends. It looks like Lee will probably be moving back down there come April, so that’s good for him. Had some amazing food over the weekend. I’d like to give a shout out to the Crab Pizza at Bottom’s Up Pizza (uber thick and utterly amazing), the breakfast burrito at Millie’s in Church Hill (for changing the way I think of burritos in general), and the hash browns at the Starlite, located in the Fan (for being served with the perfect amount of crispiness in a joint where no waitress has fewer than three exposed tattoos).

Best line of the weekend honor goes to Lee’s friend Mike when speaking of friend Asian Kim saying, “Yeah, I dated her for a week in seventh grade. I never even kissed her. My grandfather told me I could never kiss a gook.”

Best fight of the weekend honor goes to Lee’s friend Jimmy. At the Starlite, there’s this table in the back where six Mexican kitchen workers are always hanging out. Now, I say Mexican, and not Hispanic, because they are in fact, Mexican. I felt the need to qualify that, being as I quoted Mike as having said “gook.” And one of the Mexican kitchen staffers is always duded up in full cowboy regalia. This guy is like 4’3” with a white Stetson, red shirt, black jeans, and boots, with the obligatory monster belt buckle, and hangs out with his thumbs hooked in his waistband scanning the crowd for women.

Apparently, as Jimmy left Starlite, the Mexican Cowboy took offense to something he said and took the opportunity to deliver eight quick punches to Jimmy’s kidney. Too liquored up to realize he should be in pain, Jimmy retorted with a backhand that cracked the Mexican Cowboy’s tooth, and knocked him on his ass.

So that was my weekend in a nutshell.

Dear Jeff,

I’ve been dating this woman for several weeks, and I think it’s time I got her a gift. Now, it’s not real serious, but I figured if I made her a mix tape (or CD), then that would not only earn me points for the gift, but also earn me bonus points for making it myself. Now, I was looking for the links to your mix tapes because they are Superbad and I wanted to pattern mine after one of them, but I couldn’t find the link. Thanks!

Mixmaster Mike

Dear Mixmaster Mike,

While a mix tape would be a fantastic idea for your lady friend, don’t count on bonus points. It’s been my experience that women don’t consider reorganizing somebody else’s songs worthy of extra oral. It’s just one of things that women just don’t fully appreciate, like the mini-fridge inside the top of the line La-Z-Boy.

However, there is a definite art to making a mix tape. And there are several rules one should follow, such as having the first song be a kicker, and the third song be a bit softer, to lead into the fourth song, which should definitely be a facemelter.

That being said, I tend to play fast and loose with the rules, so use your best judgment. Oh, and you might want to choose songs that she would like. Trust me; it’s a very bad idea to put Judas Priest on a tape that’s supposed to express your feelings for a woman. You know, unless that woman is way into ‘80s metal.

Now, as for the links to my mix tapes, I’m too lazy to actually dig up the entries, so here’s a repost:

The Sounds of Planet Reverb Vol. 1: This is a very nice cd you’re not listening to

The Sounds of Planer Reverb Vol. 2: Unemployment Mix

and since you used the word “Superbad” to describe my shit, here’s a brand spankin’ new bonus mix,

The Sounds of Planet Reverb Vol. 3: The Lotus Blossom Sessions

As you can see, Vol. 1 was an attempt to introduce people to some music that’s not really in the mainstream, and some music that I really dig. Vol. 2 ran on the theme of my being unemployed, and is described by my brother as being, “the most depressing CD I’ve ever heard.” Now, I’m not sure I understand or accept his logic seeing as there are plenty of upbeat tracks on it, but I recognize that if I had reordered the tracks differently, I probably would have slit my wrists by the fifth song.

And the new Vol. 3, is pretty much a disc of cool, slick music designed to pop in your dash when you find yourself driving around at 1 am desperately trying not to fall asleep. It’s a pretty great disc, and as always, if any of you in ReaderLand want any of these discs and don’t feel like using your favorite file sharing program to download them, drop me a line and I’ll send you them absolutely free.

But you, Mixmaster Mike, can either choose random songs, or songs based on a theme. So I leave you with the advice from a childhood role model of mine, Captain Chesapeake, a local Baltimore actor who, once a day, donned a sailor costume and hosted cartoons in the afternoons, aboard a balsa wood ship, and whose best friend was a sock puppet: “Be somebody. Be yourself.”

It was either that or something from an adult role model of mine: “I’m Rick James, bitch!”

READ THESE JOURNALS Uncle Bob SaraH

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